Column #9: Crime & Punishment
Published March, 2001

An e-mail called “Bass Player Infractions” has been going around for about a year now. The “infractions”--offenses against an unspoken code of musical honor among bassists--were universal enough to make me both laugh and cringe. (I wondered if I might be brought up on charges myself.) Each “offense” carries a financial penalty; for instance, “playing loudly during warm-up” will run you ten bucks. “Continually shouting ‘Yeah!’” costs 25 smackers. “Taking cell-phone call while trading fours” is a rough one, lightening your billfold by a cool Benjamin.

I chuckled along with the first few, but my demeanor soon turned to fear. “Excessive sweating”--guilty. “Missing root at end of blistering fill”--guilty again. “Playing Jaco groove on samba”--very guilty. By the time I’d finished tallying up my offenses against the State of Bassdom, I was a hardened musical criminal who owed the coffers of justice over $2,000, or 40 singer/songwriter gigs in L.A. (with rehearsals included, of course). The long arm of the law was so deep into my pocket its hand was touching my ankle. Acting in my own defense, I submitted my arguments to the Court of Musical Opinion. Some excerpts of the transcript:

Offense: Slapping during soundcheck
Fine: $25
My defense: “I was only reacting to the soundman’s request. He said he wanted to hear some bass, and I wanted to make sure he got my peak level.”
Judge: “Were there any tunes in the set that required slapping?”
Me: “Yes--one tune, during the guitar solo.”
Judge: “How many tunes did you play that night?”
Me: “Uh … 25?”
Judge’s ruling: Guilty as charged; full fine due immediately.

Offense: Playing with a pick
Fine: $50
My defense: “I never really wanted to, and I never did before 1997. But when alternative rock went mainstream, I had to do it so I could get more gigs.”
Judge: “The court shows that during the two songs on which you were witnessed using a pick, in each case you dropped it during the second verse. What’s your explanation?”
Me: “I had already missed several big downbeats, and then my thumb and index finger started to cramp up, so I figured I’d better just let the pick fall out of my hand.”
Judge: “What do you mean, you missed several big downbeats?”
Me: “One time I went to hit an open string and whiffed. Another time I hit both the E and A strings at once.”
Judge’s ruling: Guilty of a reduced charge of bad general technique; fine reduced to $25.

Offense: Playing a written-out walking line
Fine: $50
My defense: “The gig was a Steely Dan tribute band called the Steely Damned, and the tune was ‘Bodhisattva,’ which has a walking line during the guitar solo. The bandleader requested note-for-note accuracy, and I was given a chart.”
Judge: “Hmmm … I see. Did you in fact play the chart’s walking section note for note?”
Me: “Uh, yeah, most of the time. I improvised in a couple of places, but that was it.”
Judge’s ruling: Not guilty of charged offense. However, defendant is found guilty of failure to play a written-out walking line; $75 fine due immediately.

Offense: Playing 16th-notes
Fine: $10 each
My defense: “Your honor, this is most unjust. The bandleader called ‘What Is Hip?’--what was I supposed to do? Play whole-notes?”
Judge: “Do you have any precedent to back your claim?”
Me: “In the cases of State v. Pastorius and State v. Prestia, the court found 16th-notes to be both appropriate and musical when used in the proper context.”
Judge: “Bailiff, look in the evidence file and tell me how many notes we’re talking about here.”
Bailiff: “The defendant is charged with having played some 1,439 16th-notes during the song in question, resulting in a potential fine of $14,390.”
Judge’s ruling: Case dismissed.

Offense: Blacking out during ballad
Fine: $200
My defense: “I had a gig the night before that didn’t get done until 2 am, and I had to drive 60 miles home. Then I had a bar mitzvah gig the next day, which was outside in 90-degree heat.”
Judge: “According to our records, you were out on your feet for approximately 30 seconds. How did the band react to this?”
Me: “I have a sworn affidavit from the lead vocalist that states I didn’t miss the changes while I was, uh, blacked out.”
Judge: “I find that hard to believe. Let me see that. [Judge summons bailiff to bring the affidavit.] And what song benefited from your unique approach to power napping?”
Me: “‘Memories.’”
Judge’s ruling: Guilty as charged; fine suspended due to extenuating circumstances.

Offense: Asking to borrow Real Book for “All of Me”
Fine: $1,000
My defense: “I feel this is a biased statute, your honor. I would not expect jazz players to be fined $1,000 for needing The Complete Led Zeppelin book for ‘Whole Lotta Love.’”
Judge: “Yes, but our records show you graduated from Berklee College of Music. Do you deny this?”
Me: “That’s true, but …”
Judge: “The records also show that you majored in Performance. And yet you don’t know the changes to ‘All of Me’? This is a very serious offense, Mr. Beller.”
Me: “I only ask the court to consider the offenses on this list that I have not committed. I have never checked my hair between tunes. Between sets, maybe, but never between tunes. I have never forgotten my strap. I’ve never asked the ’bone player about his day gig, though I’ve been tempted to on several occasions. I’ve never played an E while the horn section was tuning to Bb. I’ve never practiced scales during the drum solo, I don’t even own a bass with skull decals on it, and I always turn off my cell phone ringer during the set. Surely this counts for something, your honor.”
Judge: “Why not turn off the cell phone entirely?”
Me: “I set it to vibrate mode, so if somebody calls I can check the caller ID during the next ballad.”
Judge’s ruling: Guilty as charged; fine waived in lieu of 500 hours of community service teaching upright bassists to play Led Zeppelin tunes on electric. “And bailiff--confiscate that cell phone immediately.”

By Bryan Beller, copyright 2001 United Entertainment Media. Reprinted from the March, 2001 issue of BASS PLAYER. Reprinted with permission from BASS PLAYER. For subscription information, please call (850) 682-7644 or visit www.bassplayer.com