A delightful photo of Bryan lounging poolside. It's 'The Life of Bryan!'
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Act XLIV:

Relearning To Fly

Part One
A Clean Break

Part Two
The Gig Of A Lifetime

Part Three
Losing The F*cking Straightjacket

Post Date: August 05, 2005
A life-altering story three years in the making boils down to this: Sometimes, in order to jump, you need to be pushed.


 

Act XLIII:

Through The Whitney Portal

Part One
Before: The Mind Of A Peak Bagger

Part Two
Ascent: You Are Here

Part Three
Descent: The Nature Call Of The Wild

Part Four
After: Genetic Roulette

Post Date: August 3, 2002
After years of distraction, procrastination, and just plain laziness, I finally get off my ass and write The Mother Of All Acts: a four-part, 16,000-word, fifty-four-picture epic retelling of the time I hiked Mount Whitney in June of 2002. Can one man travel twenty-two miles and climb 6,000 feet in one day and still have fun? The answer depends on which part of his body you're asking. And when.


Act XLII:

Off The Road Again

Post Date: April 6, 2002
The first true Act of The Life Of Bryan in nearly a year touches on the recent SWR/Keneally travels to Europe, Texas and beyond, flirts with photographic evidence, reintroduces the twisted world of Brad Dahl to the masses, explains my recent blissfulness, and even contains a picture of the Webmistress. I know, you waited a year for this? At least the Webmistress looks good.


 

Act XLI:

Freedom and Unity

Post Date: September 16, 2001
As close as I'll ever get to a moment of clarity on the day that changed America forever.


Three-Zero

Post Date: June 4, 2001
Before Bry ventured out with Mike Keneally for the Dancing Tour '01, he hit a major milestone. But let's let him tell you all about it...


Big Sky I

Post Date: March 6, 2001
Is there wisdom in Wisdom, Montana? What are the property values like in Beverly Hills, Nevada? Is there a life for me outside the San Fernando Valley? In December of 2000, I took an honest-to-goodness road trip vacation and found out for myself---by myself.


A Choice Never Made?

Post Date: November 6, 2000
This special edition Act, written on Election Eve 2000, has a little bit of everything--politics, family values, sudden travel plans, and tough decisions made easier by unforeseen circumstances.


Talking About Dancing

Post Date: September 26, 2000
Allow Mr. Beller to lead for this most enriching "Dancing" lesson.


Act XXXVI:

Saturn Returns

Post Date: June 18, 2000
In which our hero juggles a slew of obligations and, in the end, his priorities.


Onward And Upward

Post Date: December 21, 1999
And now for something completely different. Hint: the John Paul Jones story will have to wait for next time.


Over The Hills And Far Away

Post Date: November 15, 1999
I left the civilized world behind, searching for wisdom at a place called Half Dome. But in an effort to get away from it all, it nearly all got away from me.


Act XXXIII:

Gains and Losses

Post Date: August 31, 1999
Wherein the question is posed: can the essence of three years can be gleaned from the experience of three consecutive days?


Act XXXI:

Meet Mr. Happy!

Post Date: March 13, 1999
Every once in a while, even in the Life Of Bryan, things actually go right. Don't miss this opportunity to digest a bitch-free Act. OK, nearly bitch-free.


Act XXX:

Sick Like A Motherfucker

Post Date: January 14, 1999
Pack the Echinacea and Vitamin C, 'cause you're gonna need it if you want to make it through this hellacious trip to New York and back without ending up in the emergency room. Within lies the tale of the aborted Wayne Kramer tour of January, 1999, a story so sordid it yanked me out of retirement.


Act XXIX:

The Finish Lines

Post Date: March 19, 1998
Perhaps Webmaster Chatfield put it best: "The actual life of Bryan seems to have outgrown The Life Of Bryan." Maybe so, maybe not. Either way, this will most likely be the last Act for some time, if not forever. The reasons why are within.


Act XXVIII:

Flashbacks From NAMM

Post Date: February 8, 1998
Music fan, hotshot equipment endorser, BFD bassist, SWR employee--I was all these things and more at NAMM '98. What it lacked in debauchery it made up for in pure activity level. And Steven Seagal shows up.


Act XXVII:

The State of the Bass Address, Part One


Act XXVII:

The State of the Bass Address, Part Two

Post Date: December 7, 1997
So much to tell, so little bandwidth...Part 1 includes BFD making it onto the SWR CD compilation, a Bass Player interview preview, the story of The Man Who Shall Remain Nameless and Mr. Grumpo-Tech, and more, while Part 2 is an insider's track-by-track take on BFD's latest release, "Sluggo!"

Act XXVII:

The State of the Bass Address, Part Three

Post Date: January 11, 1998
Yet another one of those moments when I actually thought I was done writing the novel. Plus a mess of photos, BFD sound files, and...cross-dressing caricatures of yours truly?


Act XXVI:

Our Host Coasts As Ghost Posts

Post Date: November 8, 1997
I got lazy and, luckily for me, someone else picked up the slack. Chatfiield's teaser: "Learn the truth about the new phase Keneally/BFD Troubadour gig in The Life of Bryan, butchoo won't hear it from Bassboy69 hisself. No, he done got somebody else to write it all up proper. With sound n' pitchurs, too! (It's actually a splendid new LOB-esque perspective from fan/roadie/html-master Christian Heilman.) "


Act XXV:

Twenty-Five Is A Magic Bummer

Post Date--October 2, 1997
The summer from hell. Read it so that you can feel better about yourself. I included some gratuitous Marv Albert references so that I could feel better about myself.


Act XXIV 1/2:

The Book Of LOB: Add End Dumb

Post Date: September 10, 1997
I hadn't posted anything in three months, and Chatfield recognized this for what it was: "It's a special guilt-motivated, half-assed edition of The Life of Bryan." Indeed, but I had a pretty damn good excuse.


Act XXIV:

The Book Of LOB

Post Date: June 30, 1997
If you don't read this, you'll never know about The Tale Of The San Diego Stroker. Also, for one paragraph, the LOB becomes a classified ad.


Act XXIII:

Prose And Cons

Post Date: May 12, 1997
Dweezil and Ahmet on ESPN, a Sluggo recording update, me interviewing myself for Taylor Guitars' Wood And Steel...and a list of 20 albums that mean a lot to me make this Act at least somewhat readable.


Act XXII:

Reality

Post Date: March 30, 1997
Emotionally and physically whiplashed after the end of the Keneally/Vai tour, this Act laid the groundwork for the transformation from Bassboy to Hermit Boy as I took the job at SWR, turned down paying gigs for the first time ever, and got back to the business of writing the book. This was a major turning point in the LOB. Plus, it includes an amazing quote from the one and only Scott Thunes. Oh yeah--I also have a run-in with John Entwistle.


Act XXI:

The Alternate Reality
Part One: A Day In The Life...


Act XXI:

The Alternate Reality
Part Two: Best And Worst

Post Date: January 19, 1997
The Act of which I'm most proud is the story of how we opened up for Steve Vai during a 34-day, 28-show nationwide tour. Have you ever driven from New Orleans to Omaha? Find out what it's like when your host takes on the job of Tour Manager for Beer For Dolphins.

Act XXI:

The Alternate Reality
Part Three: Quotes Of The Tour


Act XXI:

The Alternate Reality
Part Four: The Tour In Pictures


Act XXI:

The Alternate Reality
Part Five: Epilogue

Post Date: January 28, 1997
The ultimate Act continues with more from the Half Alive In America tour, during which Mike Keneally and Beer For Dolphins did the impossible: toured the country in a Mitsubishi Expo while keeping the same schedule as Vai's tour bus--with practically no crew. The parts are pretty self-explanatory--I still maintain that if you only read one entire Act, this should be the one.



Act XX:

The Sausage Factory, Part One


Act XX:

The Sausage Factory, Part Two

Post Date: November 18, 1996
Putting the finishing details on the BFD-opens-for-Steve-Vai tour was not a pretty sight. It was kind of like...well, you know. Highlights include an inside look at one of Hollywood's biggest talent agencies, the meaning of The Life Of Bryan, and some conceptual continuity dating all the way back to Act 1.


Act XIX:

The Madness of the Current Situation

Post Date: October 16, 1996
As the live CD "Half Alive In Hollywood" and the live full-length video "Soap Scum Remover" were released, I found myself standing in the audience at The Hard Rock Cafe watching Keneally play with Vai for his record release party, just days before they were to leave for a year-long tour. Hence the title.


Act XVIII:

Dissecting Pets

Post Date: September 11, 1996
The first two pages are a rant on Prodigy (the internet service) and a happy little tale about my virgin foray into adult-contemporary music. After that, it's for hardcore Z freaks only, as this Act becomes a weighty dissertation on Z's "Music For Pets." Consider yourself warned.


Act XVII:

Bassboy's Back!

Post Date: September 9, 1996
From the ashes of Act 16 came a declaration: "I want to write a novel." Also, a show report, and our introduction to both The Supreme Literary Confidant and Brad Dahl's new addition to Moosenet, Poison Pentium.


Act XVI, Part One:

Anti-


Act XVI, Part Two:

cipa-


Act XVI, Part Three:

tion.

Post Date: August 15, 1996
Probably the most heavily read (and responded to) Act of them all, the story of my audition with Steve Vai. Nothing less than the future of BFD was at stake.


Act XV:

Vai Or Die!

Post Date: July 21, 1996
The title said it all--Mike Keneally decided to accept Steve Vai's offer and join his touring band for the better part of a year. Where did that leave me? In a private audition for the bass slot in Vai's band against only one other person. If you're gonna read Act 16, you gotta read this one first.


Act XIV:

Decent Exposures

Post Date: June 20, 1996
I like what Chatfield said about this one. "Like to watch? Master Beller forgoes his usual voluminous verbosity for a buncha swell pictures in the ultimate latest The Life Of Bryan, Act XIV, "Decent Exposures."


Act XIII:

Mike & The Jews

Post Date: June 14, 1996
When you're a freelance musician in Los Angeles, you meet some pretty interesting people.


Act XII:

Le Tour de Farce

Post Date: May 9, 1996
A report from the end of the West Coast leg of the "Thanks, Toss" tour, BFD's first cross-country venture. What does Great White and the Exxon Mini-Mart in Pollard Flat, CA have in common? Read and learn. Plus, you get to find out who said the following: "You think I am enough of myself already fucking!"


Act XI:

Some Of You People Are Scary

Post Date: April 20, 1996
Written from the house in which I grew up, this Act details the ramifications of touring the Northeast in wintertime in a Chevy Cargo Van from Rent-A-Wreck in East Orange, NJ. Also, your humble narrator meets the reading public for the first time, and it makes him nervous.


Act X, Part One:

The Case Of The Canine Cabezas


Act X, Part Two:

Pre-Tour Naturals

Post Date: April 6, 1996
In the first two-part Act of The Life Of Bryan, I got to rant about having my picture replaced with that of a dog's head in the artwork for Z's "Music For Pets," as well as tell the story of how we put together our first real tour. Warren Cuccurrullo guest stars as the guitarist who tries to bludgeon a club manager with his axe during a gig in LA.


Act IX:

Meet Mr. Fun!

Post Date: March 2, 1996
This Act was marked by poor taste. Garter belts, food poisoning, parties, heartburn, pictures of my sexpot roommate in leather, Dinty Moore Beef Stew...need I say more?


Act VIII:

You Like Me! You Really LIKE Me!

Post Date: February 26, 1996
The only Act solely dedicated to e-mail response, this was a heartwarming show of support for mine and Mike's decision to leave Z and the brothers Zappa behind so that we could make Beer For Dolphins a household name. But more importantly, we got to meet Brad Dahl for the first time.


Act VII:

To Z Or Not To Z: The Stairmaster Epiphany

Post Date: February 9, 1996
This was the Act that put The Life Of Bryan on the map. Mike Keneally wanted to dedicate himself to his solo career as opposed to being a Zappa sideman, and he wanted me to come with him. What to do? Within lies the story of the decision that started it all.


Act VI:

Diary Of A Mad NAMMster



Act V:

Dreadful Drunken Drummer Drama

Post Date: January 26, 1996
Written on the same night, these two Acts included some of the wildest action ever to hit the LOB. Act 5 was the story of what went down when an inebriated drummer threw his high-hat stand at me onstage at Bourbon Square in Van Nuys, CA, while Act 6 was the original NAMM show report, complete with yours truly dancing on a tabletop and pretending to be a woman. This is what happens when you stay in a hotel we affectionately renamed "The Eatin' Cock."



Act IV:

Time For Z News

Post Date: January 5, 1996
I'll defer to Chatfield for the description of this Act: "BFD/Z bassist Bryan Beller completes Act IV of The Life Of Bryan, in which he spews the latest poop on Z's Music For Pets, embarrasses himself by showing us the obligatory "I Was A Teenage Bassist" photo, spills the BFD beans and gives us a reason to live." Well, maybe that last bit was a little much, but the photo was and still is truly horrifying.


Act III:

Frank Reflections

Post Date: December 8, 1995
I was privileged enough to have met Our Godfather on several occasions between September and December of 1993, and from those gatherings at the Zappa house came some unforgettable memories. This Act is short and sweet, much like the brief time I knew him.


Act II:

The Anal-Retentive Non-Sequitur Boogie

Post Date: November 18, 1995
I was still trying to find my bearings in this one. It's just a show report, that's all. E-mail scared me back then.


Act I:

TV Or Not TV?

Post Date--November 16, 1995
Webmaster Chatfield's brainchild comes to life before his very eyes: "Beer For Dolphins and Z bassist Bryan Beller zips out of the closet with his own zesty, wacky way of looking at life. Do join him, won't you? It's time for The Life Of Bryan." Featuring the original picture of The Red Dress, this was my way of saying hi. I cannot emphasize enough just how much of a different person I was when this one-page Act spilled out from underneath my fingers, but maybe that's the point after all.