Post Date: August 3, 2002
After years of distraction, procrastination, and just plain laziness,
I finally get off my ass and write The Mother Of All Acts: a four-part,
16,000-word, fifty-four-picture epic retelling of the time I hiked Mount
Whitney in June of 2002. Can one man travel twenty-two miles and climb
6,000 feet in one day and still have fun? The answer depends on which
part of his body you're asking. And when.
Post Date: April 6, 2002
The first true Act of The Life Of Bryan in nearly a year touches on
the recent SWR/Keneally travels to Europe, Texas and beyond, flirts
with photographic evidence, reintroduces the twisted world of Brad
Dahl to the masses, explains my recent blissfulness, and even contains
a picture of the Webmistress. I know, you waited a year for this?
At least the Webmistress looks good.
Post Date: March 6, 2001
Is there wisdom in Wisdom, Montana? What are the property values like
in Beverly Hills, Nevada? Is there a life for me outside the San Fernando
Valley? In December of 2000, I took an honest-to-goodness road trip
vacation and found out for myself---by myself.
Post Date: November 6, 2000
This special edition Act, written on Election Eve 2000, has a little
bit of everything--politics, family values, sudden travel plans, and
tough decisions made easier by unforeseen circumstances.
Post Date: January 14, 1999
Pack the Echinacea and Vitamin C, 'cause you're gonna need it if you
want to make it through this hellacious trip to New York and back without
ending up in the emergency room. Within lies the tale of the aborted
Wayne Kramer tour of January, 1999, a story so sordid it yanked me out
Post Date: March 19, 1998
Perhaps Webmaster Chatfield put it best: "The actual life of Bryan seems
to have outgrown The Life Of Bryan." Maybe so, maybe not. Either way,
this will most likely be the last Act for some time, if not forever.
The reasons why are within.
Post Date: February 8, 1998
Music fan, hotshot equipment endorser, BFD bassist, SWR employee--I
was all these things and more at NAMM '98. What it lacked in debauchery
it made up for in pure activity level. And Steven Seagal shows up.
Post Date: December 7, 1997
So much to tell, so little bandwidth...Part 1 includes BFD making it
onto the SWR CD compilation, a Bass Player interview preview, the story
of The Man Who Shall Remain Nameless and Mr. Grumpo-Tech, and more,
while Part 2 is an insider's track-by-track take on BFD's latest release,
Post Date: January 11, 1998
Yet another one of those moments when I actually thought I was done
writing the novel. Plus a mess of photos, BFD sound files, and...cross-dressing
caricatures of yours truly?
Post Date: November 8, 1997
I got lazy and, luckily for me, someone else picked up the slack. Chatfiield's
teaser: "Learn the truth about the new phase Keneally/BFD Troubadour
gig in The Life of Bryan, butchoo won't hear it from Bassboy69 hisself.
No, he done got somebody else to write it all up proper. With sound
n' pitchurs, too! (It's actually a splendid new LOB-esque perspective
from fan/roadie/html-master Christian Heilman.) "
Post Date: September 10, 1997
I hadn't posted anything in three months, and Chatfield recognized this
for what it was: "It's a special guilt-motivated, half-assed edition
of The Life of Bryan." Indeed, but I had a pretty damn good excuse.
Post Date: May 12, 1997
Dweezil and Ahmet on ESPN, a Sluggo recording update, me interviewing
myself for Taylor Guitars' Wood And Steel...and a list of 20
albums that mean a lot to me make this Act at least somewhat readable.
Post Date: March 30, 1997
Emotionally and physically whiplashed after the end of the Keneally/Vai
tour, this Act laid the groundwork for the transformation from Bassboy
to Hermit Boy as I took the job at SWR, turned down paying gigs for
the first time ever, and got back to the business of writing the book.
This was a major turning point in the LOB. Plus, it includes an amazing
quote from the one and only Scott Thunes. Oh yeah--I also have a run-in
with John Entwistle.
Post Date: January 19, 1997
The Act of which I'm most proud is the story of how we opened up for
Steve Vai during a 34-day, 28-show nationwide tour. Have you ever driven
from New Orleans to Omaha? Find out what it's like when your host takes
on the job of Tour Manager for Beer For Dolphins.
Post Date: January 28, 1997
The ultimate Act continues with more from the Half Alive In America
tour, during which Mike Keneally and Beer For Dolphins did the impossible:
toured the country in a Mitsubishi Expo while keeping the same schedule
as Vai's tour bus--with practically no crew. The parts are pretty self-explanatory--I
still maintain that if you only read one entire Act, this should be
Post Date: November 18, 1996
Putting the finishing details on the BFD-opens-for-Steve-Vai tour was
not a pretty sight. It was kind of like...well, you know. Highlights
include an inside look at one of Hollywood's biggest talent agencies,
the meaning of The Life Of Bryan, and some conceptual continuity dating
all the way back to Act 1.
Post Date: October 16, 1996
As the live CD "Half Alive In Hollywood" and the live full-length video
"Soap Scum Remover" were released, I found myself standing in the audience
at The Hard Rock Cafe watching Keneally play with Vai for his record
release party, just days before they were to leave for a year-long tour.
Hence the title.
Post Date: September 11, 1996
The first two pages are a rant on Prodigy (the internet service) and
a happy little tale about my virgin foray into adult-contemporary music.
After that, it's for hardcore Z freaks only, as this Act becomes a weighty
dissertation on Z's "Music For Pets." Consider yourself warned.
Post Date: September 9, 1996
From the ashes of Act 16 came a declaration: "I want to write a novel."
Also, a show report, and our introduction to both The Supreme Literary
Confidant and Brad Dahl's new addition to Moosenet, Poison Pentium.
Post Date: July 21, 1996
The title said it all--Mike Keneally decided to accept Steve Vai's offer
and join his touring band for the better part of a year. Where did that
leave me? In a private audition for the bass slot in Vai's band against
only one other person. If you're gonna read Act 16, you gotta read this
Post Date: June 20, 1996
I like what Chatfield said about this one. "Like to watch? Master Beller
forgoes his usual voluminous verbosity for a buncha swell pictures in
the ultimate latest The Life Of Bryan, Act XIV, "Decent Exposures."
Post Date: May 9, 1996
A report from the end of the West Coast leg of the "Thanks, Toss" tour,
BFD's first cross-country venture. What does Great White and the Exxon
Mini-Mart in Pollard Flat, CA have in common? Read and learn. Plus,
you get to find out who said the following: "You think I am enough of
myself already fucking!"
Post Date: April 20, 1996
Written from the house in which I grew up, this Act details the ramifications
of touring the Northeast in wintertime in a Chevy Cargo Van from Rent-A-Wreck
in East Orange, NJ. Also, your humble narrator meets the reading public
for the first time, and it makes him nervous.
Post Date: April 6, 1996
In the first two-part Act of The Life Of Bryan, I got to rant about
having my picture replaced with that of a dog's head in the artwork
for Z's "Music For Pets," as well as tell the story of how we put together
our first real tour. Warren Cuccurrullo guest stars as the guitarist
who tries to bludgeon a club manager with his axe during a gig in LA.
Post Date: February 26, 1996
The only Act solely dedicated to e-mail response, this was a heartwarming
show of support for mine and Mike's decision to leave Z and the brothers
Zappa behind so that we could make Beer For Dolphins a household name.
But more importantly, we got to meet Brad Dahl for the first time.
Post Date: February 9, 1996
This was the Act that put The Life Of Bryan on the map. Mike Keneally
wanted to dedicate himself to his solo career as opposed to being a
Zappa sideman, and he wanted me to come with him. What to do? Within
lies the story of the decision that started it all.
Post Date: January 26, 1996
Written on the same night, these two Acts included some of the wildest
action ever to hit the LOB. Act 5 was the story of what went down when
an inebriated drummer threw his high-hat stand at me onstage at Bourbon
Square in Van Nuys, CA, while Act 6 was the original NAMM show report,
complete with yours truly dancing on a tabletop and pretending to be
a woman. This is what happens when you stay in a hotel we affectionately
renamed "The Eatin' Cock."
Post Date: January 5, 1996
I'll defer to Chatfield for the description of this Act: "BFD/Z bassist
Bryan Beller completes Act IV of The Life Of Bryan, in which he spews
the latest poop on Z's Music For Pets, embarrasses himself by showing
us the obligatory "I Was A Teenage Bassist" photo, spills the BFD beans
and gives us a reason to live." Well, maybe that last bit was a little
much, but the photo was and still is truly horrifying.
Post Date: December 8, 1995
I was privileged enough to have met Our Godfather on several occasions
between September and December of 1993, and from those gatherings at
the Zappa house came some unforgettable memories. This Act is short
and sweet, much like the brief time I knew him.
Post Date--November 16, 1995
Webmaster Chatfield's brainchild comes to life before his very eyes:
"Beer For Dolphins and Z bassist Bryan Beller zips out of the closet
with his own zesty, wacky way of looking at life. Do join him, won't
you? It's time for The Life Of Bryan." Featuring the original picture
of The Red Dress, this was my way of saying hi. I cannot emphasize enough
just how much of a different person I was when this one-page Act spilled
out from underneath my fingers, but maybe that's the point after all.