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Hey y'all! Later in this Act, there's gonna be some real juicy information about something that occurred after Keneally's 1/12 Bourbon Square gig. But, as Roger Waters once said, you can't have your pudding if you don't eat your meat. So, here's some boring but useful information.

First, a Z update...it turns out that my nervous tic about giving out Music For Pets' possible release season (!) was just me being overly worrisome for you oft-spurned fans. The date for U.S. release is March 5. This is the same date I've heard for some time, and the fact that it hasn't changed for a couple of months, plus the promo CD's existence and some other key facts, pretty much means that this is the real deal. No word on actual tour dates yet, but it seems the light is finally at the end of the tunnel. Let's all join hands in prayer now.

And a word from our French correspondents...the French citizen never got back to me (you know who you are!), but kind Steve Dick tried again to mail order French MFP from the Virgin Megastore in Paris, and you what they about trying and trying again---it worked! This isn't for the faint of heart, however; the four-day mail rate (admittedly more expensive than it could've been) plus the cost of the CD equalled...are you ready for this...579.50 franks for two copies, or 58 fucking dollars apiece. Parlez vous French ripoff?? Let's all thank Mr. Dick for his kind info anyway, since without him there wouldn't even be truth involving this option. The phone number of the French Virgin Megastore is 011-331-4953-5000. I've also got my favorite importer (Audiophile Imports out of Baltimore, MD) on the case, and I should hear from him soon, but he warned me about having to order in bulk and if there's not a serious demand for the product etc., etc., etc. So, good luck all!

A quick Keneally note and then that hot poop I promised you some paragraphs ago. As you up-to-date cyberfolks now know, Keneally has his own computer in house, which changes everything. The latest Mike Types To You (mid-January) has details on his new e-mail address (Boilthat@aol.com) and all sorts of new stuff, so I'll do my best to not be redundant with the source of most of my info. It's his website, I just work here. One bit about the upcoming MK and BFD video club (again, see Mike Types for more info)...it's become my job to document all of the existing videos (of which there are many) and provide details on sound and video quality, material, special moments, you get the idea. This week I'm gonna get started on this mammoth project, and I'll do my best to get it to the stage where, if there are delays, they're not because of industrious ol' me. And, hey, I just got a promotion to set list writer for our cute little gigs! Mike and Toss will rue the day I earned this honor. It's a good thing I'm getting paid extra for all of this responsibility, 'cause I'm saving up for new towels.

And...me and sexpot roommate Joanne installed Windows '95 and the computer didn't melt down into candlewax. Technology is wonderful.

OK, here's the paragraph you've been waiting for...let me set the stage for you. It's Fri., 1/12, and we're ready to play at our favorite little dive bar (the only one that will have us), Bourbon Square in Van Nuys, CA. Four bands play on Friday nights, and the headliner goes on third at about 11:00. That is, if everything happens on time, which is almost never. This particular Friday was way fucked as far as punctuality, due mostly to the band before us, Blackbird Sky. I was enthralled by them however; their original material sounded like the never-released second half of Superunknown by Soundgarden, one of my favorite rock CD's of last year, and their singer had Chris Cornell down cold--not an easy thing to do. They also brought 70 people into this tiny club, so they ran late and over and what could we do but tell them "great set, man". So, we went on at about 11:35 and played for 65 minutes--just a teency weency bit over, but certainly not rude. Now, the last band always gets screwed in a 4-bands 3rd-band-headliner situation, 'cause everyone leaves, but the drummer from this last band of the evening (Speed Limit...ouch) had been drunk for some time and making a ruckus in general wherever he went.

Here's where it gets good...we finish at about 12:40, and ten seconds later, while me and Mike are shaking hands and saying "great set, man" to each other, this guy takes his floor tom, and then his bass drum, and borderline throws them on top of Mike's pedalboard. Mike sneered at him and Thomas Nordegg (tech extraordinaire) also voiced his displeasure with the act. The guy starts yelling, "It's fucking quarter of one and I came here to play, man, I came here to fucking play!" Now I notice and start yelling at him, "Just one second, man, just wait ONE FUCKING SECOND, OK?!" At this point, he turned away, picked up his drum throne, and put this on Mike's pedalboard in obvious defiance. I took it and threw it down on the ground at his feet. He then took his hi-hat stand, complete with hi-hats attached to it, and threw it at me, striking my arm. We lunged at each other, and Nordegg stepped in between us, which was good, since it curbed my inclination to jump off of the stage onto him--god knows what would have happened had I done that. I go into fighting stance anyway, yelling typical Jersey fighting words like "I'll fuck you up, man!" as the sound man, Swan (avid Life Of Bryan readers will know this guy from Act 2), grabbed him from behind. I previously described Swan as "delicate", but this proved to be accurate in his speaking voice only. The guy hit Swan in the chin, and he (Swan) went berserk, spinning him around and raining punches down on him while I had him in a headlock. People surrounded us and it felt like a melee. Keneally was calmly standing to the peaceful side of the stage (I later admired his ability to remain calm and not risk his health simply to pummel this asshole), and Toss was standing with a cymbal in his hand, waiting to clobber anyone who got near him. Eventually, everyone separated, with the only true casualty being the dickhead's pride and my four-string Fender Custom Shop re-issue '51 P-Bass, which took a tumble and incurred some (hopefully) superficial damage, such as paint chips and the like. The bar staff felt really bad about this whole incident, and offered us free drinks for the remainder of the evening, an offer which I heartily accepted.

Later, me and Mike went to Toss' place where we drank more, talked about the brawl, and basically just acted like men. The most beautiful thing about this is Rich Lewis, the guy who tapes all of our shows and is currently providing the raw material for the future BFD video club, caught the whole damn thing on tape. Aside from the set changeover music (Joan Osborne's new hit CD, obnoxiously loud), the thing is fully viewable from an audio/video standpoint. This show was a good one as well (due at least in part to my brilliant set list), and with the fight footage at the end, will be a must have for you readers out there. Oh yeah...Speed Limit did get to play, after an on-mike apology from their drummer to no one in particular. And they sucked ass hard.

And now, let's replay the incident from another angle. Rich Lewis?

Friday night's gig with MK/BFD was memorable. It was one of those "you should have been there" nites: MK/BFD did a raging Hendrix/Band-O-Gypsies cover (musical highlight), then as they closed the set and the stage went dark, the drummer for the next band (Seed Limit) began to immediately pile all his drum stuff on top of MK's pedal board; commanding Bryan's full attention. Bryan says"just one fucking second pal" and the drummer plops his drum stool atop yet more BFD gear. MK is speechless, Thomas Nordegg is waving his arms questioningly, and then it all went down.

Yes, Bryan picks up the guy's drum throne and chucks it back at him and onto the audience floor. Drummer boy, now really upset, throws his cymbal stands with cymbals attached at Bryan; Bryan starts swinging, the sound man (SWAN) and Thomas get between them, then Drummer boy gives a left cross to the chin of Swan; Swan attacks agressively, slamming Drummer Boy into PA Stack and down he went!. Byran and Swan & Club Bouncer Man then stomp Drummer Boy silly, right there on stage with a full house. MK had stepped back (cool) and Toss was armed with yet more drum gear and was nearly going to waste the Drummer Boy. I got most of this on Video, but with very low light and a long shot from the back where I was taping the show. Bryan was a little sore afterword, his custom made Fender 4-string bass took a good licking. Wow!!! Byan said he got off on it, kinda. Now this is rock and roll.

The incident where Thomas was stopped by LAPD on his scooter while following MK's caravan to dinner earlier, after sound check, seems pale compared to seeing Bryan the barbarian in action. When Thomas was stopped for having his head light off, Bryan pulled over, demanded that Mike and I follow him to Thomas' rescue. I was uneasy, but followed with camera. The cops now see that Thomas has a three odd friends on foot, one with a blazing camcorder. We all just walked right up to the crime scene like a bunch of children. Guess what happened next.......................

Yes, they let Thomas go, and even gave MK a good steer to a place to eat. I have that on tape too.

I guess that's what happens when you don't get any women you know to attend your shows...you fight over set times with drunk people. Anyway, the next Act will be a complete NAMM show report, or at least all I can tell you about without compromising some of the participants in the madness that is NAMM after hours. Contributions to the Beller-needs- new-towels towel fund are always welcome................B.B.