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Yes, I'm back after a long break from adding to the continuing adventures of me...excuses range from a slight bout of holiday depression (due to the lack of really good Chinese food on Christmas, a Beller tradition), to a failed attempt to leave the online-service nest due to lack of necessary funds to purchase a modem actually capable of maintaining a PPP/Slip connection (lovely sexpot roommate Joanne bargain-shopped a bit too hard on our current model), to an inability to type or think intelligently while inebriated...we all have these problems, right? I apologize profusely to the seven people who made it past the red dress and are still actually reading this damn thing.

This chapter's gonna be a long one, so before we begin, I need to make a couple of acknowledgments. The infamous dress in the page intro was custom designed by Kim Salt, a friend of mine out here in Lipstick City, CA. I happen to think that she made me look quite stunning, don't you? Anything else after that miracle should be a breeze for this immensely talented and tasteful woman...so anyone who gets the same occasional urges to explore another side of themselves, Kim can help you. Feel free to ask me about her. She does women's clothing as well.

And now, a correction. Unlike the NY times, who print their corrections in minuscule type on page A32 ("Pres. Clinton Caught In Car With Hooker"...correction: "Roger Clinton Caught In Car With Arianna Huffington"), we here try to be up front about our shortcomings. In Act 2, I said with some degree of certainty that the European version of Music For Pets could be mail-ordered from the Virgin Megastore in Paris. Well, a nice cyber-citizen named Steve Dick (really) informed me he had tried to do this, and was rebuffed by those nice French people at said store. The reason I thought that this was possible is because there are these two absolute freaks form the Sacramento area, who would drive down to San Diego (!!) from their homes just to catch a Z or BFD show, and they had the CD, and told me that they got it by you know how. Not to fear, confused, angry and misled people out there (all seven of you)...I've got a French citizen on the case, and he should have the final answer for me sometime soon.

And why is obtaining the French version of Music For Pets so important for diehard Z fans? I'll tell you why...a couple of days before Christmas, Dweezil invited me up to the house to hear the final, finished, mixed, mastered and slapped-on-the-ass U.S. version of Music For Pets. Boy, was the sequence totally different...boy, were some of the mixes different on the tunes that were kept...hey, there's four totally new songs on there...you get the idea. I'm not going to spoil the experience of looking at the track listing for the first time in wonderment, so don't ask me that. I will tell you the following things, however: the Euro version had 24 tracks, nine of which were cut. Five new tunes were added, two of which were earlier version outtakes, three of which are totally new. Out of the 14 that were kept, one was re- recorded, five were remixed, and one became an unlisted "bonus track". And, most importantly, a lot of the tunes that got cut from the Euro version (plus some other outtakes from the 40 or so tracks we did for this record over the past year-and-a half) are going to end up on a special, bonus "outtake", mail-order only CD. Now, don't all of you start running to the phone and frantically speed-dial 818-Pumpkin to find out more about this...that won't do me or you any good at all at this point. It's being put together as I type. I just want you to know that that's the way it's gonna go down, because I love you all so very, very much. Really, I thought some of you might want to know the evolution of this project, and a good way to get some of the idea of our tortuous journey toward final completion of Music For Pets would be to compare the French version sequence and mixes (released Spring '94) to the final sequence and mixes of the U.S. version, and it's "outtake CD" little companion. I'm going to cross every extremity of my body now, and say that...(gulp)...the U.S. Pets should be out {close- up...perspiration on brow....nervous tic} early this spring. {sound of plane crashing....}

Whoa, that was a lot of info-packed text. You must be exhausted. I know what you need....PICTURES!!!!

Here we have the earliest known picture of me with bass in hand, and a mighty fine bass it is. This Aria Pro II was mine for the unbelievable low price of $249. or something, and it felt like it cost even less. All of the disgusting prerequisites for being known locally as a "shredder" were accomplished on this chunk of (pressed?) wood, such as learning all of side 1 of Rush's "Moving Pictures" album (hey, dude, can you play "YYZ?" You can?!). Less horrifying early accomplishments included "Black Dog", the bass soloettes in "Good Times Bad Times" and "The Song Remains The Same", and my favorite...the bass solo track "Anesthesia (Pulling Teeth)" from Metallica's glorious first album. Oh yeah, the picture--the earliest and most pathetic of all of the bands I've been in finally got a gig...in the basement of Temple Emanu-el of my hometown, Westfield, NJ. Some of the classics we butchered included "Dirty Deeds" by AC/DC and "For Whom The Bell Tolls" by Metallica, and I believe the look on my face pretty much captures the scene quite well.

This lovely bit of Americana exists somewhere in rural Connecticut, and was found and captured in still life by the president of the Dweezil Zappa Fan Club, Cindy Zeuli. I can't really begin to tell you how sweet and devoted this girl is to the cause of all things Z and BFD, and she's a good person to know--- you never know what she might have or know that you don't. And, might I add, the newsletter is written with flair and verve enough for anyone. You can contact her by snail mail at the Dweezil Zappa Fan Club, P.O. Box 80562, Springfield, MA, 01138, or by e-mail at DZappaFC@aol.com. One day I'm going to own that store, or at least the sign in the front.

Yeah, there was text as well, but I feel better now. Let's talk about Keneally, shall we? One of the nice things about the music business is, for the most part, people make their own hours. So, collectively, everyone in the biz pretty much shuts down and devotes two weeks to visiting their families and getting shitfaced, although not necessarily in that order. BFD hasn't played a show since 12/8 (Mike talks about it in the closest "Mike Types To You" to that date...I loved playing "Sgt. Pepper's reprise", and it was fun to hear everyone clap like some Bob Hope Christmas Special when we closed the show with Vince Guaraldi's "Christmas Time Is Here), but that is about to change, my friends. Upcoming plans include a probable swing up the West Coast in March (I finally get to be cool and hang in Seattle), a stop in San Diego, and all sorts of NAMM madness (see the top of the Keneally home page for "Upcoming Giggage", where actual confirmed dates are dutifully reported by the CEO Chatfield). As far as NAMM, one interesting highlight should be the gig at the Pulse Bar at the Anaheim Hilton, where we'll play two sets sandwiched around the sounds of one set by...Jake E. Lee? I guess this is SansAmp's idea of Kennedy/Johnson style "ticket-splitting". That should be fun. Another pick of mine would be the little thing just me and Mike are doing for Taylor on the convention floor (we don't need no stinking drummer...hah!). Taylor makes this unreal sounding acoustic/electric bass guitar; it's big and hollow enough to actually produce audible overtones, and it sounds even better plugged in. It sure beats those stupid Guild things you always see Aerosmith and Stone Temple Fuckheads playing on their MTV Unplugged infomercials (someone will recognize that phrase). The interpretations of certain BFD tunes are really interesting in that format. How fucking pompous does that sound?! Just be there, all right?

But wait...there's more! Mike is putting the finishing touches on something he's mentioned previously, but I've only recently been able to hear in its entirety---something called "Sort Of Live In Hollywood". He knew this guy who got him some free time at the studios over at Musician's Institute (MI) in Hollywood, and we went in there and really cranked out our live set at the time (early '94). Keneally, that prankster, felt compelled to include several accounts of musical murder by me and Toss. More by me, now that I think about it...he's got me totally boffing the opening lick of "Day of the Cow 1" and laying waste to "Dolphins" as well. I'm going to have to talk to him about this. Cool stuff (and some agonizing false starts, followed by rehearsal of certain licks, make the experience even more rewarding) includes the entire "Cow" trilogy the way we do it live, a different version of "Career Politicians/Your Quimby Dollars At Work" that we use as an intro to "I Can't Stop" (anyone who has the Mistakes CD will recognize "Career"), and "The Desired Effect", complete with thunder and lightning to cover unwanted and annoying difficult to deal with digital snats. It's like, heavy, man.

I know what you're thinking again...I always do. Now you're worried about Keneally's seeming lack of recent contribution to his own page. Let me soothe you all by saying that he is currently in the process of getting his own computer for his home, so he won't have to travel to Moosenet headquarters in San Diego to share his magic with you (though I hear the CEO and him are really close...a bit too close, perhaps). He even told me that as soon as it's together, he'll probably surpass his quota for new additions to the page by at least 34%. Don't you feel better now?

Man, my head hurts. If you're still reading...I don't even know what to say, except that you're totally sick. I hope you all had a great holiday season, and let's hope 1996 brings us less of the things we don't want (the Buffalo Bills in the Superbowl....AAAAAAAH!) and more of the things we do (touring, touring, touring!!!) I'd watch a videotape of the Bills getting their heads kicked by Dallas or San Francisco this year 20 times in a row, and eat 40 hot dogs in the process, if it meant that Z and BFD could tour for six months. Here's hoping I won't have to...go Green Bay. Like Bartle's and James, we thank you for your support.......................B.B.