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"Jane, stop this crazy thing!!"
--George Jetson

OK, everyone just calm down, take it easy, no need to panic. Yes, I haven't written to you all in quite some time. Yes, a million things have occurred in the Life Of Bryan over the last month that require comment and analysis. How massively absurdly completely fucking insanely stupidly crazy was the month of March? The last time I wrote to you, Toss Panos was still our drummer for the tour, the "Music For Pets" artwork had a picture of me in it, Mike and I finished production on four videos for the BFD Video Club only to realize we'd somehow accomplished nothing, our tour dates were about as solid as the face of the evil guy from "Raiders Of The Lost Ark" as he met his fiery doom, to say nothing of where we would stay the night of the "Bob's Chicken Ranch" show in downtown Snowdrift, New Hampshire...only through massive effort on both me and Mike's part did we get from there to here, and the hectic schedule was a nasty bit of business that made it difficult to find the quality time I so crave with you to share such wonderful things. But, I'm here now, and I've got some catching up to do. I know some people have had qualms about the length of these here writings, and I had meant for this next Act to be shorter, but...tough. Shit happened and the story must be told. On with it. Can we talk about the CD that we thought might never come out, but finally has? "Music For Pets" is in stores. Was it worth waiting for? We'll see...

First off, let's just get this bullshit over with. Dog heads. DOG HEADS!! FUCKING FUCKING DOG HEADS!! There.

That was me for about a day or so. A long time ago I said with some degree of confidence that the US release date for "Pets" was going to be March 5. I would have been correct had it not been for the last- minute "artwork alterations" that Dweezil somehow considered worthy of delaying the release an additional two weeks, as well as whatever it cost to change our heads from human to canine at that late date. I really don't know what to say about it; think about it for a second...how would you react? You just have to laugh. After a few hours of supreme hatefulness, the laughs came out of my mouth with startling ease. I haven't even had time to think about it this month...been busy arranging a tour, making videos, rehearsing, living a life, working hard for something I believe in, trying to make it work somehow. You know how it is.

About the CD itself...I really dig large parts of it. It's the first complete album I've ever done, and I'm proud of it. I wish that certain songs were kept on for the US version, but the bonus CD has all of the stuff that I'm talking about and more. Has it been hard for me to listen to since the day of the dog heads? Harder, but I won't let that ruin it for me, and neither should you. Now, back by popular demand for some expert "Music For Pets" commentary, our Poison Control Center correspondent Brad Dahl. Here are excerpts from a conversation between me and our savior of less-than-intelligent human life...

BD: OK, I've had many listens and am ready to give you the big review:

BB: Alright...let me have it.

Silver Lady Disco: Oh yeah, shake your booty (see afros, etc.) This is the 70's until that bass guy hits that low note at the end, Hey! nobody played notes that low in the 70's (unless they were trying to make it possible for Ozzy to hit the notes). One word, Groovy.

I knew I shouldn't have done that. I cringe when I hear it. Fuck.

Coyote Face: This is what punk would've sounded like if they could've played their instruments worth a damn. This song rules, it rules!, IT RULES!, oh, it's over.

This song sure is fun to play live...for the minute that we get to play it. This used to be the second half of a "Flibberty Jibbet (old, differently-recorded version)/Coyote Face" segueway.

True Face: This song just ain't happenin'. I'm sure that smokin' a few bowls would change my opinion. I burned out 3 lighters listening to this one.

I hated this when it went to tape, but over time, I've started to like it a lot. It's just so odd and unapologetic for being so...especially the outro solo and ending.

Boodledang: This is Led Zeppelin, right? This song has the first drum sound, ooooo, there's them low bass notes. Gee, Mike actually gets to play some lead? Man that guy's good, he ought to have his own band like that Yngwie J. Buttcheese guy. This song haunts me.

Mike's lead rocks. The show opener for the "Pets" tour that never happened. Great vocal delivery...has that "Singer In The Woods" attitude you were alluding to. Written during my audition.

Music for Pets: If there's a video for this one it will need the bee girl from Blind Melon's only hit.

Us: I like the title. This is a nice song with some really cool bass playing. Nice backing vocals.

The first song of the "Pets" sessions...recorded all the way back in fucking 4/94...two whole years ago! Christ. I love this song, and so do all the ladies. What does that mean?

Chicken Out: Of course this is my favorite, simply because of the lyric "I feel like swallowing poison". Finally a lyric I can relate to. Dweez really nails Eddie Van Halen from their first album, both in sound and performance. I love the first break with the Long Beach Sports arena reverb. Then the big drum fill in the lead section before it goes to the chorus part, I expect Robert Plant to sing "and everyone on down the road" after this.

Big ears, my friend (on the "Stairway" thing). You don't want to know how many times Dweezil re-took that solo.

With You: Nice chorus on the bass, the cello is very nice. Wait, something's wrong here, Mike actually gets credit for something? They must have forgot to change that, or the dogs refused to take credit for writing and playing the piano.

The dogs demanded more money.

Father Time: This is a hard song to listen to because of the lyrics. Joe rocks on this one. He should be proud.

I'm not even on it. That sucks, but that's the only thing that sucks about this tune, besides the fact that the lyrics even had to be written at all.

Pure: This may be my favorite song (musically). Cool intro, another decent drum sound, I need to turn the lights off, then crank them on when the song gets going, with a few explosions of course. This song rules, it rules! IT RULES! Geez, it's still going. Good song, is he saying "soon we'll kiss"? Yuck. Why couldn't this song be about drinking beer and the chorus could be "soon we'll piss"? One more time: kickin' song, I give it a 94.

Flibberty Jibbet: "Here she comes again", oh no, is it my best friends girl? (ya know, she used to be mine). I like this song, but I don't know why. Here I go again.

The alternate version is interesting. I prefer it. Again, see Bonus or Euro CD.

Silver Lady: This song rocks, then the vocals attempt to ruin the song. "How low can you go?" Good question. Incredible sideman performance (what was Mike doing during this song? probably booking some gigs), the drumming is very impressive as well.

Joe took a long time to get the end right, his only massive re-takes of the entire sessions, which is more than I can say for me. Keneally was probably writing "Faithful Axe" at this point. Never performed live.

Choke: Good song, unbelievable performances. The jam section makes me jealous, you guys are soooo good. OK, I'm trying desperately hard to make fun of something here, but I just can't do it.

This wasn't on the Euro version...a first take. Dweezil even liked his solo, hardly an everyday occurrence during these sessions.

They say "we're so bummed we missed out on the hard rockin' 80's", well, they missed out on it again and went back to the 70's. By the way, were you and Mike originally in the picture where this quote appears? Those -------.

I'll take the high road here and just say that I think that Z looks pretty cool as a trio. Well, Brad, thanks for your input. Anything you'd like to add before signing off?

Well, how's this...we had a kid last night that would not puke, so I told Mom to stick her finger up his ass. She says "that ain't gonna make him vomit". I said "it will when you stick that finger in his mouth".

Always a touching experience to hear from you, Brad. Be nice to those poor folks, will you?...B.B.

I was going to write an Act solely dealing with the recording of Music For Pets (entitled "Based On A True Story"), but I don't think I have the stomach for it at this point. I'll have to resort to pulling a Ross Perot on you now...if there's some sort of overwhelming demand for it, it could happen. Short of that, I'm more than willing to put the whole thing to bed. Massive amounts of information about possible future Z releases can be found at the now up-and-running Z website (http://www.musicforpets.com). If you have a really kick-ass computer and a fast modem, it's tons of fun (big pictures make it harder for owners of average systems like the sexpot Joanne's to really enjoy it). I've seen the whole thing, and I think it's fucking hilarious. Hey, me and Mike are still on there! That must be some sort of oversight or something.

Non-sequitur time: Have you been looking for a way to be included on the Life Of Bryan Cover Page? Now's your chance! Moosenet CEO Scott Chatfield came up with this brilliant idea. You know those pictures that accompany every Act and title? You know, the little square boxes with wildly distorted versions of drag-faced me?

Well, Scott figured that, as cool as they are, you could do better. This will also be a productive way to satisfy that e-mail jones while I'm playing at the above-mentioned Chicken Ranch. If you think you've got what it takes, e-mail your little square-shaped artwork to scott@moosenet.com, and we'll take a look. Isn't Scott great? That's why we pay him the big bucks.

I didn't mean to spend that much time on "Music For Pets", but, heck, I waited 63 years for it to come out, so I might as well spend 3 seconds talking about it. But, time to move on, now to our good friend Toss Panos. While playing the show at MI that will eventually become one half of "Half Alive In Hollywood" on 2/22, we were aware of a big money offer on the table for Toss to pursue a well-financed and backed rock project...before you go screaming about how money is evil, let me let you in on a little secret (the number had five digits). Our tour was far from solid, but he knew we were somehow going to make it work and get there and make at least some money, if not five figures. Anyway, the show that night was played with the urgency of the outside possibility that it could be his last gig with us for a while, and if the situation wasn't directly responsible for the magic that occurred on stage that night, it certainly contributed to it. I refused to deal with it, thinking that one fucking catastrophic personnel change a month was good enough for me. Sure enough, just days after that gig, the show in Boston was confirmed, making the tour a reality...and something like 15 seconds later, Toss decided not to do it. If you think that Toss made a rash decision, consider this...did you know that for about three weeks, Toss was a member of Z? Believe it or not, Toss was as good as in the band, getting ready to rehearse for the '93 European tour, when he got asked to do a short-term side thing for some pretty good money. Of course, he was told by Dweezil that they would be busy, and of course, Toss ended up sitting on his ass. That was it for him...he wanted out right away. For better or worse, that's Toss Panos. I don't blame him for looking out for himself, but, to put it mildly, we were over a king-sized barrel. Joe Travers was now off limits as far as a tour was concerned, we'd finally gotten the ball rolling on the east coast, and we didn't have a fucking drummer. Instant karma for leaving Z? Maybe, but the dog heads dispelled that notion rather swiftly (as you'll soon see, Mike Keneally is not a karmically challenged man).

I've decided to give you a break and split this Act up into two parts...next time on, "The Life Of Bryan!"...BFD meets Frank Briggs, amateur hour at the video production office, and the easy-to-read do-it- yourself guide to booking a tour. Until then, this is Moosenet network, signing off..........B.B.